The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
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I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.