“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
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All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Hell yeah 👍
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
When you kidnap a writer.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”