Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
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[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Ugh
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister