As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
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I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.