[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign