16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
You Might Also Like
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings