*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
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no
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
welcome back
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
🤣😂
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Rooting for the overdog
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not