Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro