“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
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A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.