There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
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Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.