why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
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[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!