The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
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I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.