Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
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AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 馃Ч
Not my job 馃槀
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she鈥檇 be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU鈥橰E a child!
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
If someone doesn鈥檛 reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don鈥檛 know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don鈥檛 mind if he keeps doing it.
everyone calm down they鈥檙e just doing a test run of the rapture
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.