I created you as mosquito food.
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Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Banana is the quietest snack
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I am HOWLING at this
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.