Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
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WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.