Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
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All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
when someone rings the doorbell
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.