My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
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If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Ha
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too