I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
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She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right