[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
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When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft