When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
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I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀