Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
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Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.