Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
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YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
the short answer to this question
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned