The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
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Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?