ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
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I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!