DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
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One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
It’s a gift
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.