I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
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Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you