I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
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But I really needed water water water
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?