Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
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[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM: