Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
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Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
sleeping beauty
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille