wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
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When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?