I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
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Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn