God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
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My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.