Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
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Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”