Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
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Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest