Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
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Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
🍞🦆
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
get you a girl who
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Flowers bee like
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud