‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
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Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.