(Jupiter –
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Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready