Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
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[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My Plans 2020
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.