*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
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Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!