*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
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My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand