me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
selena gomez
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.