This device could predict incoming phone calls.
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My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves