Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
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My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.