According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
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I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
My favorite female superhero
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy