Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
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”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.