“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
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Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.