When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
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At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
what’s really going on
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.