I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit