[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then