LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.